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Archive for the ‘Active Resistance’ Category

Our relationship started out so steamy — all hearts aflutter and short of breath.  So hot and sweaty, with racing pulse and and soaring hopes.  In the beginning, I fully believed we would be together forever, that our relationship would only grow stronger with time.  And yet, anyone who knows me could see the writing on the wall.  Long before I ever did, anyway.

As time went on, that all-consuming excitement that comes with new relationships began to ebb.  Slowly, the allure, the anticipation of time spent together, the angst felt when apart, all began to fade.  Soon, nagging, nit-picking, and ultimate resentment all found their way into my heart.  Things were not all peachy keen, and I found myself looking for excuses to stay away.

Eventually, my guilt would get the better of me, and I would vow to do better, to re-commit.  And I would.  For a day, maybe two.  But my heart was never in it.  My head tried to reason, but even the best laid plans and the most convincing of arguments for staying together seemed no match for my indifference.  Many of you know the ongoing struggle I’ve had.  You’ve witnessed the roller coaster of emotions, and listened to me as I tried to talk myself into loving this relationship again.  But when it all comes down to it, should love really be so much work?

The other day, I found my mind wandering to dreams of other relationships.  I was imagining long walks along the lake, or even the river.  I saw me stopping to smell the roses, and feeling that electrifying high of something new.  And then, when I went so far as to consider joining a gym, I knew it was finally over, once and for all.

Today, as I watched my husband struggle to load the recumbent bike into the bed of a pick-up truck, I knew for sure I had made the right decision.  And it was reassuring to know that he also felt it to be best.  Saying goodbye to something so stationary and stagnant was the right thing to do.  He joined me on the porch, took my hand, and together, we watched that bike head off down the drive, and fade slowly from sight.  And I felt lighter than I have in a long, long time.  Except, of course, for that heavy wad of cash weighting my pocket.

So long, love!

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I’ve recently found I have a sworn nemesis.  Do you, too?  I’d love to hear about yours, but for now, let me tell you all about mine.

My nemesis came into my life several months ago, disguised as a good friend, as they so often are.  I was so excited to begin a healthy relationship with her, but quickly realized that her being present in my life was bringing guilt, shame, self-doubt, and even self-loathing into my days.  It wasn’t long until every time I saw her, I felt worse about myself than I had just moments before.

But me being me, rather than just kick her to the curb, I chose to keep her in my life, and to hope that my feelings about her, and the way she made me feel about myself, would eventually improve, and that ultimately we would have that relationship I was longing for.  You know the one — the kind of friend you want to spend time with every day, that you look forward to being with, and feel better after being together?  Yes, that kind.  For now, though, our relationship is so rocky it’s hard not to glare at her every time I see her.

Perhaps by now you are curious to know the identity of my nemesis.  I don’t want to tell you her name, because that would be mean.  For now, I’ll show you a picture of her cousin, who looks very similar to her without really being her and that should hopefully satisfy your curiosity.

I know, I know, I know.  As you read this you are thinking to yourself that it is not possible for a Nautilus NR3000 Recumbent Bike to make you feel bad about yourself.  But that’s where you are so.very.wrong.  It is entirely possible if one sits motionless in your bedroom, staring out in desperation to be rode, day after day, after day.

I don’t need this guilt!  To my nemesis I shout, “I am already my own worst enemy, I do not need your help!  Stop with the shameless pleading to be put into good use!  Stop making me feel badly for not wanting anything to do with you, and stop making me feel like I am letting you, and myself, down!  ARGH!!!”

This wasn’t your typical New Year’s Resolution.  It was, after-all, June or July when she came into my life.  I guess you could say this was a bit of an impulse buy.  But both Patrick and I indulged because, well, normally my impulse buys involve chocolate, and we took it as a sign that maybe I was finally getting serious about getting back into an exercise groove.  Yeahnotsomuch.  But my intentions that day, at least, were good.

Let’s face it – I absolutely hate to exercise.  HATE IT.  That’s all there is to it.  But I know that I am supposed to LOVE exercise, and that ultimately, it will make me feel better about just about everything.  So I wish that I could, but right now, I just can’t seem to feel the love.  It hasn’t always been that way for me.

In college, I worked at a health club, and did aerobics several times per day.  In my late twenties, I trained to walk (I’ve always hated running) the Portland marathon, and would get up at 4am just to get my 19 miles of walking out of the way before the heat of the day.  Heck, I was even training every day while on vacation in Hawaii!  But since I’ve become a mother, I seem to have a more and more difficult time finding my inner athlete.  Those days of endorphin highs seem like a very distant, vague memory, and the thought of getting that sort of endurance back seems nearly impossible.

I guess it’s time to stop with the excuses.  I need to lay off the ice cream, put down the spoon, and just do it.  It’s time to love myself inside and out – even my hate of exercise.  Fat chance of that.  And I suppose eating leftover birthday pinata candy while watching an exercise video doesn’t really count as a workout, does it?  It’s just that every minute that I’m exercising feels like an hour.  If no one were watching, I would stop at the first sign of sweat, pat myself on the back, and call it a day.   Seriously.

In the end though, I know it will be worth it.   I want to be healthy, and I want to teach my kids by my own example to be active and healthy themselves.  And come to think of it, there is one thing I can think of to love about exercise — how good it feels to be done!

Dear Nemesis,

I am going to befriend you, or die trying.  I will try my best to stop avoiding and ignoring you.  I really do hope that with a bit of an attitude adjustment on my part, we will one day become lifelong friends.  I realize that it won’t happen overnight, that it is going to take some time to build our relationship.  But isn’t that how the best friendships are formed?  Over time?  And I am sorry for making you my scapegoat, and that you have had to bear the brunt of my current aversion to exercise.  I hope I can make it up to you.

With love (or something),

Me.

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