Archive for February 5th, 2016


Addison’s already sleeping restlessly beside me. He flips to his stomach, kicks one leg out from the covers, flings an arm across me, and snuggles his head into my shoulder. I slide my arm under and pull him closer, resting my palm on his cheek to feel for fever. He still feels cool to my touch.

Mama? I turn my head to the other side, and see Hayden standing by my bed. Mama, I don’t feel so good. My throat hurts and I feel fire right here, he says, rubbing his chest with a hand that is also tightly clutching his monkey.

I untangle myself from his brother and push the covers down, patting the space beside me. He climbs in, pulling his truck blankie and soft blankie up with him. I whisper sweet nothings to him and rub his back until I feel him relax and his breath becomes slow and steady and I know he is asleep.

I carefully turn, trying futilely to get comfortable, not wanting to wake either, and realize the only place my arms will fit are up above my head. My feet are hot under the duvet but one or the other of the boys are laying on top of it in such a way that I can’t kick my way to the cool. I lay there contorted long enough to eventually hear Patrick peak in at us and then shut the door to Hayden’s room. I hear him push dozens of stuffies to the floor and then settle into Hayden’s bed.

I can’t sleep. I no longer have feeling in my arms. I’ve been trying to pretend the tickle in my throat isn’t really happening for I’m not sure how long now. The glass of water on my nightstand might as well be in another country, as I haven’t been able to find a way to reach it without waking anyone. I think of all the empty beds in the house I could have to myself.

And then I remember. I remember that I am well into all the lasts, and that this night might well be one of them. This night may be the last time I share a bed with both, that I am lucky enough to sleep in the middle of my boys, my loves. This might well be the last night they come to me wanting my comfort and my snuggles. This may be the last night they believe that laying next to me and having me rub their backs is enough to make them well.

I slowly, carefully, slide an arm beneath each and pull them close, breathing in their boyish scent and feeling their warmth. And I hope I’ll not fall asleep.


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