I Tried So Hard to Love You, But This Time it’s Really, Really Over.

Our relationship started out so steamy — all hearts aflutter and short of breath.  So hot and sweaty, with racing pulse and and soaring hopes.  In the beginning, I fully believed we would be together forever, that our relationship would only grow stronger with time.  And yet, anyone who knows me could see the writing on the wall.  Long before I ever did, anyway.

As time went on, that all-consuming excitement that comes with new relationships began to ebb.  Slowly, the allure, the anticipation of time spent together, the angst felt when apart, all began to fade.  Soon, nagging, nit-picking, and ultimate resentment all found their way into my heart.  Things were not all peachy keen, and I found myself looking for excuses to stay away.

Eventually, my guilt would get the better of me, and I would vow to do better, to re-commit.  And I would.  For a day, maybe two.  But my heart was never in it.  My head tried to reason, but even the best laid plans and the most convincing of arguments for staying together seemed no match for my indifference.  Many of you know the ongoing struggle I’ve had.  You’ve witnessed the roller coaster of emotions, and listened to me as I tried to talk myself into loving this relationship again.  But when it all comes down to it, should love really be so much work?

The other day, I found my mind wandering to dreams of other relationships.  I was imagining long walks along the lake, or even the river.  I saw me stopping to smell the roses, and feeling that electrifying high of something new.  And then, when I went so far as to consider joining a gym, I knew it was finally over, once and for all.

Today, as I watched my husband struggle to load the recumbent bike into the bed of a pick-up truck, I knew for sure I had made the right decision.  And it was reassuring to know that he also felt it to be best.  Saying goodbye to something so stationary and stagnant was the right thing to do.  He joined me on the porch, took my hand, and together, we watched that bike head off down the drive, and fade slowly from sight.  And I felt lighter than I have in a long, long time.  Except, of course, for that heavy wad of cash weighting my pocket.

So long, love!

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